Habanero Sauce in the Condom

by Tom Leykis

Tom Leykis preaches a tenet of “Leykis 101” where guarding your sperm like Fort Knox is paramount. “Sperm-jacking” is where a woman will reach into the waste bin in order to extract the sperm from a discarded condom in an attempt to fertilize herself and extort 216 monthly payments from an otherwise responsibly-behaved man who she plans to trap into fatherhood against his own will and better judgment. That he protected himself, her, and the life of an unwanted child is of no importance to her.

Since flushing the condom is bad for the plumbing, Tom strongly suggests carrying a small bottle of extra-hot habanero sauce to kill the sperm before discarding the condom. This way, when she attempts to fertilize herself with it, she burns her own cooch instead of you. Four cases (that we know of) have made it to court where the women attempted to “sue for damages” in spite of being 100% in the wrong. All cases were thrown out – vindicating the men – because it was determined she inflicted the damage upon herself. By law, it was his property, his sperm, and his condom contents to do with as he pleased.

In one particular case which set a precedent, the man phoned in to the show to later report he was awarded a $350,000 settlement to not pursue any further. This testimony has been difficult to locate since the original was mysteriously deleted. But considering it costs $250K to raise a child to 18, the fact that it’s still legal in this country for a woman to allow herself to get pregnant without a man’s knowledge or consent …. is totally unacceptable. Sperm-jacking is quite literally the “rape” of a man’s life, future and fortune – and tantamount to forced slavery.