- 2019-11-03 at 5:02 PM#914910
Sorry for the long post, but it’s a long story. I’ve had a great deal of time in the past 25 years or so to reflect on my mistakes. There have been PLENTY.
After being used as my step-father’s sexual plaything for most of my childhood, I naturally wondered if I’d ever be “normal” and have a girlfriend or get married. The first thing I did, as soon as I was able, was to move away from home. I liked being alone but was too screwed up to know how to approach a woman that I “fancied”. Eventually I saw a woman who I found very attractive at the cafeteria. It’s hard to describe after all this time, but I *had* to break out of my shell and introduce myself. I was shaking like a leaf and sweating profusely – but I did it. My co-workers made fun of me because the woman was an ethnic minority. It made no difference to me because I was so determined to keep seeing her.
I lost my virginity soon after and became more comfortable around women. Fast forward a couple of years and I had a new job in an office with quite a few women. One of them hit on me pretty hard and since I wasn’t involved with anyone else at the time, I thought “what the hell, go for it”. BIG mistake. She had a hidden agenda which became obvious when she invited me to her apartment. She had “forgotten” to mention that she already had a kid. Like the inexperienced idiot I was back then I got too involved with her and knocked her up. Then she had me – and she knew it. We got married and had our first major fight that night. She had her piece of paper and didn’t care anymore what happened to me. She suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder and seemed to relish making my life hell. I stuck with her though, until four and a half years later I couldn’t take any more. I suffered from frequent, excruciatingly painful migraines and she flushed my meds down the toilet. I left her and our two kids (I don’t count the one she already had – it was mutual hatred at first sight) and set about getting a divorce. Her BPD led her to write often two letters a day (no phone or internet in those days) and usually one would be begging me to come home and the other would be threatening me with physical violence either from herself or her family. I saw my kids only infrequently because of the danger in seeing her. She tried to get me fired from my new job by telling my boss that I was drug addict and thief.
Too soon after, I got involved with another woman who, I was convinced, was the complete opposite of my ex. Another big mistake. She was also a single mom with a daughter who I adored – and still do. We moved to North America because most of her family is here, and I was desperate to get as far away from my ex as possible. We’re still married after 41 years, but the last 25 of those have been hell. I eventually wised up and realized that this wife was exactly the same as wife #1. Same BPD, same attitude etc. We were separated for seven and a half years (take it off the 41 if you like!) during the marriage so that I could deal with all the damage my step-father had done. My wife wasn’t very sympathetic about the abuse so leaving was best for me. The years we were separated were the closest to happiness that I’ve ever been. I had a series of lovers during that time, but nothing lasting. I briefly moved in with a woman from my home country, but she started cheating on me almost immediately and her BF knocked her up. I moved away as soon as I found out. Since I had nowhere to go I moved back in with wife #2. Biggest mistake of my life! I had already felt for a long time that I was just a pocket to be picked and I was right.
I am now 69, in failing health and have been hospitalized five times in the last six months. Not for mental problems either! After thirty odd years of therapy I now have my head more-or-less straight. I can look back on my life and see it more objectively than before. I lost almost everything in the divorce rape, even though we only had/have a separation agreement. I saw the panic in her eyes when the ambulance carted me off to the ER every time. It’s magical how BPD disappears when she knows that her meal ticket might die!
I’m retired now. I have no friends – she scared off the last male friend I had by falsely accusing him of trying to get me to leave her. I’ve been able to make contact with my kids from my first marriage but the relationship with my son is strained. I get on well with my daughter. My ex died in 2005 from a heart attack, so at least I didn’t have to deal with her. I have six grandchildren now and I love them all, so I won’t say that my life has been entirely wasted. I would very much like to go full monk but I’m still attracted to women. I am now wise enough to see the pitfalls of long term relationships and would avoid them at all costs.
Trouble is, I can’t go on living this way. When I was told, in hospital, that most of my physical problems are stress related, I knew that I had to leave. I can’t figure out how to do it though. I don’t have much money and that which I do have will have to last me the rest of my life. I don’t really have anything that I can sell – other than the 11 year old car that I drive, and I’m not selling that. Being on this website has helped me enormously. I’m not alone. Many of you have had it worse than I have. I’m still trying to reconcile my attraction to women while knowing what I know about them now.
TL,DR: Women aren’t really worth the trouble. I found that out too late in life.
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.