DIvorce: Right Of First Refusal (ROFR)

[GlenzoParticipant 26]

Men,

Does anyone have this stipulated in their divorce and has a violating spouse? My sons told me this week that their mother, who wanted the 8-hour right of first refusal agreement stipulated and I agreed, has been violating it this week. She has been sleeping elsewhere at night and leaving the kids with her parents.

By law, anytime (other than daytime working hours) she is supposed to contact me and ask me if I want to watch the kids before leaving them with her parents, if she is not with them for more than eight hours.

I’m self-represented and about to bring her up on Contempt charges, as well as subpoena her parents and her boyfriend. Has anyone had experience with this? Thanks.

[TaxGuyParticipant]

I don’t, but are you SURE that’s what you want to do? You haven’t told us anything about your ex, but she’s going to be p~~~ed if you file contempt charges. What’s to stop her from telling the police that you hit her? That you beat the kids and they are afraid of you? Don’t underestimate how low a woman will go in a divorce situation.

If she’s a “typical” female, I would just tell her that the boys told you they stayed at their grandparents overnight and remind her that she needs to give you the opportunity first. Tell her you don’t care what she’s doing you just want more time with your kids.

We all know she’s taking the high hard one from Chad, but she is probably afraid that you’ll be p~~~ed if you find out. Or in her mind she thinks you’ll be p~~~ed because she has a magic golden vagina.

I know how good it sounds to get even, but in my opinion it’s not worth it. Remember, if you get in the pen with a pig, you get dirty and pig is happy. What you want is peace and time with your kids. The contempt order will get you neither.

Finally, it’s a good opportunity to teach your sons that it’s better to take the high road. They aren’t going to want to be in the middle of it if you start WWIII with the ex. They ARE watching. You may not win the battle, but you’ll win the war.

Just my two cents. Take it for what it’s worth.

Good luck.

We all get what we tolerate

[GlenzoParticipant 26]

Thanks for the reply. My (now former) attorney recommended telling her via e-mail what the kids told me and her own mother told me about her not being around (“I can’t see my sick mother again until it’s your time again next week”), stating that she’s breaking the law and threaten action, as well as assure her parents that if they need to take care of other family matters, they can leave the kids with me.

I followed his advice, and she replied that I can get in touch with her mostly absentee attorney if I want to find out when she is and when she is not around the kids.

We have been trying to settle with her attorney since March to avoid more court dates. Her attorney has not responded to our proposals or kept any of the appointments with my attorney. I also plan on filing sanctions against her attorney.

My kids asked me as soon as I picked them up today and were out of earshot of grandma and grandpa, what the deal was with the court order, because their mom said I was breaking the law with it. I explained what the order was and they replied, “that’s not fair. Mom is taking time away that we could be spending with you.”

Her parents are very controlling and foster a sense around all family members that no one can exist or take care of themselves without their assistance or meddling.

The so-called “high road” often ends up in the continuation of fathers and men getting raped by the system.

As a result, I fired my attorney, and am going back to self-representation. When I was in pro per before I hired him, I managed to get my child support reduced and the judge threw a Gavron Warning at her. This is the second attorney I hired, and I only hired him because there were sexual allegations my sons made against her father, which the police determined were unfounded. I only kept him on to get the case settled. Thousands later, nothing. My first attorney failed to get me 50/50, so I fired her too.

I don’t care if she’s with Chad, or Brad, or whomever, all at the same time on her time. What a woman does is her business. But I don’t like paying thousands a month to her when it’s her parents that are watching the kids, and it could and should be me instead, by law. She doesn’t want me to have time with the kids because she thinks that might f~~~ with her court-ordered paychecks she gets from me.

She also moved the kids out of the county recently to get them closer to her parents and boyfriend, and they aren’t living in the apartment she is renting. The boys are registered in that school assigned to that apartment, so that could be another issue to address as well.

I’m more than happy to make an example of her if it means getting more time with my sons and away from her and her controlling parents.

[TaxGuyParticipant]

Well she’s a special little snowflake isn’t she? Sugar and spice and everything nice………..

If her email said to said to contact her attorney, then I would reply with the following: It’s not my obligation to contact your attorney, it’s your obligation to let me know when you need the kids to stay somewhere else so that I have the right of first refusal. If you want it to go through your attorney, then you need to have your attorney contact me.

Not that it will help, but it’s all about the documentation now. I also don’t understand her fear. It’s all in the agreement. Part of determining how much money she gets each month assumes that you will have unplanned nights with your kids when she needs the help.

You sound like you are very on top of this. I now feel lucky that for all of the bulls~~~ my ex put me through she didn’t do anything like this.

Again, good luck. Maybe one of the other guys knows something about ROFR.

EDIT: A couple of other thoughts. Now that your kids know about this, they have a right to stay where they want to stay. It’s ok for them to ask if dad has plans that night since he has the first right for them to stay with you. I would think about telling them that it’s ok to ask mom that question. And ask the grandparents too. So EVERYONE knows every time they are violating the order.

Then if it keeps happening I would look into getting a restraining order against the GP’s for knowingly helping your ex violate your divorce agreement. That will drive them crazy.

We all get what we tolerate

[GlenzoParticipant 26]

Thanks TaxGuy. Awesome advice. I took your suggestion and e-mailed her, her parents and her attorney what you mentioned about her obligation to contact me, not my obligation to contact her attorney.

She replied to me privately with, “You are not obligated to contact my attorney. I never said you were. However, you should contact him if you have questions regarding anything related to our separation, divorce, or custody. I am sure that he is much better than me at explaining the law.”

To which I replied: “You are obligated to offer me the kids first if you are going to be away from them for eight (8) or more hours during your custody time. It is the law. You are not allowed leave them with your parents as a default.

Failure to offer me right of first refusal puts you in contempt, which may include punishment of up to 5 days in jail and up to a $1,000 fine.” I put her parents and the attorney back in the thread.

The restraining order on the GP’s is a brilliant idea as well. They often overstep their boundaries and her father was extra c~~~y when I picked up the kids this morning. They need a deep reality check.

Best of all, the kids and I had a wonderful day together with the family.

[GlenzoParticipant 26]

EDIT: MY family

[Anonymous 7]

when my ex c~~~ violated visitation orders, it always happened on a weekend, the police refused to enforce the court order, the only place to address this issue was in court, and getting on the calendar required my lawyer to go to the courthouse to prepare and file a motion, and get on the calendar. Just this much cost me $800. Then 3 weeks later, we would be in front of the judge and the ex c~~~ would have to explain herself, but by then she would have thought of an excuse…and lie about it. Oh your honor, I had a flat tire and the cell phone battery was dead, on my phone, chad thunderc~~~’s phone and my kids phones…there was an emergency band practice for the kids that weekend, and the court order stipulates that band and school supersedes fathers right to visitation. Going to court cost another $1500, and the judge would side with her, and admonish me for some trivial bulls~~~.

So, $2,500 flushed down the s~~~ter, and nothing would happen, a couple times I had to pay court costs because the band thing real or not superseded my rights. Because I brought a complaint without foundation, I got crapped on. Yes, this is divorce court. I am the criminal first and foremost. Normal logic does not apply here.

I spend a huge amount of blood and treasure to preserve my rights and the rights of my children to see their father, and in the end, the kids told me to f~~~ off. I lost it all, and in doing so I gained total freedom. Everything that mattered to me has fallen away, leaving only me for me to care about and to care for. In my mind, my house burned to the ground, I gained half of a good sized 401K, I lost paying on a third car I hated to drive, lost cleaning a huge ass pool I didn’t want, lost worrying about all the day to day bulls~~~ of two preteen daughters, and an abusive spouse. I gained self respect and a career.

Take the emotional component away, and look at the dollars and cents return on investment. C~~~ wants it all? great, give it all to her, all the expense, responsibility, worry and upkeep is all yours, honey. Have a day.

To my family, I am as good as dead to them. To me, they are lost somewhere, and I really don’t care. It took me more than 6 years to just let go. I spent this past year in the most peaceful bliss I have had in a very long time. “Fuk it, do whatever you want, I’m out” may be a good attitude sooner rather than later. It is working for me. YMMV

[GlenzoParticipant 26]

Thank you for sharing, 2020. What ended up happening was I called her bluff. She started complying and I ended up having the kids an extra two days that week. I let go of any court intentions at this point, as you have shared, it will more than likely lead to another trip down the suckhole.

I applaud and appreciate your peaceful bliss and IDGAF context. I’ve been there most of this year. Took me 50 years to get there, and this has been the best year of my life.

I attribute my good feeling to making myself first, my kids second, my family, friends, work, men on my men’s team third and my romantic relationships last priority. As a part of my mission to live a life of integrity, I tell the women I date when they inquire “what do you want” the four priorities above, with emphasis on the plurality of the last point. I’m not monogamous, don’t expect me to be, I tell them. If they want to play, great. If not, have a nice day.

Reading “No More Mr Nice Guy” was been integral to my progress and development as well.

Again, I appreciate your sharing your story and how you turned it into a positive.

[FreedomParticipant 965]

Poor kids, having s~~~ like this from their mother.

Mine have returned to me once older, and could see their mother for what she is……..a trouble-making angry old hag.

I just kept calm and told them I loved them and kept the door open. It worked.

She cheated on me ..... my fault. I showed an interest in another woman......my fault.

[joetechParticipant]

I dated a girl right after my first divorce. She was living with her dad and taking care of him. She said her mother would never know where she was ever again, but daddy always would. Now, there’s a good daughter.

"Don't follow in my footsteps...I stepped in something."

[Author]

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