- 2019-08-15 at 4:31 AM#907350
I had some time to go through my email box today of Spam emails. There was sitting an email sitting there from a girl I once proudly called my daughter.
Reading it, it almost made me crack. Forgetting the Red Pills, and almost believing and looking forward to being apart of her life as grown woman. The letter sounded so sincere. Strange how some things can just flash you back to the old Blue Pill Mindset.
“Does she need help?” ; “Is she doing okay?” ; “I miss her so much” were the thought going through my head. It’s like a flood of emotion that comes back, and it’s hard to think clearly. That may have been the lowest part of my day today. Finding that email. After that, whatever I had planned just went out the window.
I kept thinking of why after all these years, she decided to drop me an email while I was in jail. Then I had to just shake myself out of it. The powerful old emotions kick in. And it’s hard to see facts for what they are. Deep down? I wonder what it is all about. But just like the Red Pills need to be taken daily, this is my time to shed why I won’t reply, Why doing so is nothing but a path that will lead to more destruction.
I had to think really hard about that one today. Should I say hello? Why should I do it?
All it took was for me to realize, that just like all women, they will use you. It’s their nature. And to me, it seems clear that is what is going on. And then I thought why now? I have never contacted her, but she said maybe I did from my sons account? That’s odd.
You see, when you start adding up all the Red Flags, you slowly come to your senses. If I had not found MGTOW, I would have simply rejoiced that she contacted me. But I know better now. As far as I can tell, she no longer is taking care of her own child. And family is taking care of this one. So it seemed odd that she would said she would love for me to see her daughter. She even spoke about her son and how he had passed away briefly in the email she wrote me.
Think is, a strong part of you wants to go back. Wants to be there. But the truth is, you never can go back. And you never know what lies behind that door. Sure, it could be a great way to see the daughter I raised. She even thanked me for all I did. And that felt good. It really did. But it’s all simply a way to try to bring you back to a place in time and your heart that no longer exists nor ever really existed.
You know, there was a time, I thought that me and her would be running our own Car Shop. Fixing her car, and I was so hoping to be the one to buy her that first car. All the things that we would do. She really was good at working on cars. Maybe all the times she helped out a bit over the years. But I loved that about her. She really was such an amazing girl.
It sucks man. It really f~~~ing hurts to talk about. The Crazy notion that this dream of slavery was what I looked forward to in life. But to a father, or one that wished so much for it to be so, it was like a dream come true looking forward to the future of my family being that happy Brady Bunch of dramatized TV life. That Idyllic dream world that you were there and taught her how to ride a bike. How to cook simple meals. And the never ending battle of trying to teach them to keep their rooms clean.
The hard times were so hard. I almost forget all the pain and suffering I endured. From pleading with her not to cut her arms up. To begging her not to make bad decisions. God damn guys! I can’t tell you how worried I was when she came home late. Or simply making Chicken soup at her favorite meals when she did not feel good. Even the times taking her shopping for clothes. Then my eyes bulging out of my head when I saw what was on the rack for girls her age at the local Target. I can Very grimly remember “WE ARE GOING TO A REAL STORE TO BUY CLOTHES!” And off to Kohl’s and Nordstroms we went.
Funny as it is now, it’s hard to try to convey being a “dad” and then asking the women that work in the Bra Department to please fit her up and size her. I don’t know how to do it, and her mom is at home sleeping…. Like it or not, it’s not a very comfortable situation. You always have that little weird feeling of what others might think taking your very Blue eyed daughter shopping for clothes. Always thinking in the back of your head what if someone gets the wrong idea.
I never really liked the clothes she chose to wear, or was “GIVEN”. So I did my best to cloth her the best I can since she really was a knock out for anyone that saw her. To me, she was just my beautiful daughter. Rough around all the edges, but mine non the less I use to be so proud to think.
Man, the heart attacks I use to have when I would see her with her eyes open but asleep. That was a weird one for me. One time I thought she was dead. I never seen anyone sleep with their eyes half open. It was weird.
I think it was the Birthdays that I loved the most with her. It was such a great time to be the dad. Take the Pictures, and video, and just simply be there. I can’t tell you how great that feels. I don’t know if anything really beats those memories. Now it’s all just dust. Dust and painful woes from the past.
This is why I tell you men be careful of others. Some would pay any price to have that back. At one time, I would have. Seems strange for a man to love another mans children so much. But to me, they were mine. You could not tell me different. There are some things I really feel sorry for. Like saying : “Don’t act like white trash”. I really feel bad about that one. But I never wanted her to be nothing less then a lady. And I warned her how today ONLY see you as a goal post. Don’t be that I said. Be more then that. A message I think that simply got lost. I know why now. But I did not know back them. I was just the dumb man that took it on his own to raise some other man’s children.
You know how you can be so truthful about some things, and some things you are even to embarrassed to admit to yourself? Well, now is a good time as ever. The site may be gone one day, so it may never be seen again. But you know what I really was thinking selfishly? I has this idea that when it came to me and her real parents, maybe she would love me more then them. God damn man I was sick in the head just for thinking that. Maybe all men want to be their kids favorite. I was always thinking that she would think that of me. Maybe even be the guy that walked her down the isle. Told you. Dumb Blue pill thinking. I don’t even know if you could even call it that. It seems so much worse.
The entire time, all I wanted was for her to have a good life. Stay away from drugs. And just live a Happy normal life. Or the best one I could provide with her mom being who she was. The Cringe of taking her to therapy appointments, and doctors visits etc. Mom always being to busy sleeping or “Sick”.
I look back now and I keep kicking my ass for being so stupid. So green. So Fracking dumb! All the while begging for help from others, and not an OUNCE of support.
In many ways, it’s one of the reasons that I do what I do today. Why I am so damn outspoken about the state of “white” men. And more so, the state of our western Civilization. Here I was chasing an Ideal that never existed in real life. All of it is just pretty airbrushed notions of a vision of life that actually does not exist for the normal Joe man out there.
For years, I took that failure and blamed it all on my self that I could not do more. Maybe I just did not have what it takes to do more I would say. It’s hard to speak about being a failure as a father. Even now with all the Red Pill Knowledge in the world, I still keep thinking somehow, I could have fixed it. Maybe if I just tried a little harder. Had more help. Spoke louder. Nothing I did ever worked for very long. It was always circumvented by her mother. Or her family or the friends that her mother was so happy to keep around.
You know, I really wish I got to meet my Grandson. It would have been nice. But its gone in time and lost forever. A memory that I will never share. Yea, I had no skin in the game you would say. But I still don’t feel that way deep down inside. It’s not easy to admit. But it’s true.
Thing is, I kept looking at other families thinking all was great. The truth was, it was not much better over there. Just a facade.
I still think to myself, maybe if I was white, I could have done more. Or Maybe if I looked more like them, maybe they would respect me. Truth is, I think it would have been better if I was. It’s like trying your whole life thinking that it does not matter. But it does. I assure you. Or maybe it’s just me. I don’t know anymore really. But I wish so much that things did not turn out as they have.
You know how they say all the hard work was worth it? When it comes to caring for another mans children? It’s not folks. It even worse if you are not the same race as the kids you are raising. It should not matter. But it does. I’m sorry. The kids don’t see it. But everyone else does. It’s just another wedge.
Even today, I’m stilled p~~~ed we did not get our large Family Photo. How f~~~ed up is that? YEARS and YEARS have gone by, and I want some f~~~ing prize of a Family Photo to at least hang on my walls and say, THIS was all worth it. THIS was mine. MINE… Think about that. Mine. I really thought that this was all mine.. What a Delusional man I am.
I’m not going to answer that email. But I’m to much of a pussy to delete it. How is that for truth? I’m so damn stuck in the past. Wishing for a bright and Happy ending, I don’t and can’t let go. Even some stupid code on a screen. I can’t let go of that.
So where is all this stoic MGTOW No FRACKS Given that I was so at resolve just before? Man. It really does hit you. Imagine that. I can forget all about the mother, but the children that were not even mine to begin with. Gave me hell and even helped put me in jail. Here I am wondering about how she is doing. This is the same girl who was laughing it up when my son was taken away with her mother. And here I am feeling sorry she has no home to live in right now. Or is for better or worse, floating from place to place. Living the life of drugs and possibly, whatever it takes to get them.
I still can’t call her nothing but my little girl. The mind is truly a sick thing. But the soul, what a cruel trick to play on a man. It really does make you wonder what is the point to a man’s life but to suffer being it’s default.
MGTOW may be a web site for some. But to me, these pages are all that I have left of the times that I was still the person I was dreaming to be. Replaced with some other kind of weird notion that I really do matter and deserve to be happy. But if anyone could tell me why we still wish things were not so as they are. Why we still feel bad about a life that was never real. But it seemed so REAL to me. So forward with hope! This life simply is one choice too ruin. Make the wrong choices, and it will haunt you forever. No do backs. No reruns. You get once chance to make it right. And the choices you are given to choose from, are all paths down the same road. You just don’t know it.
MGTOW is about the only thing I am sure off. And some days? I wonder if there really is anything better.
Men I think need something to look forward to or believe in. Not all, but I think it’s how we all are. We are lead ALL our lives to think that we know what we want. Know that a life of Family and Love brings true fulfillment. Find the girl you love, and love her till the very end of time. Share the joys of Children and family. And all of it will be worth it all in the end.
Man. I know it’s not true. I have seen it with my own eyes. And YET, I keep think there is some lucky man out there that has all these things. And things I will never have. Your mind is either trying to lie to itself, or it is the truth. I still can’t tell you for sure. Just like I can’t tell you if there is a god, a creator or if there is nothing. But nothing does sound good. At least you know with nothing, you can rest your mind in peace knowing that it was all a crap shoot.
There are days, that I do wonder if I am just in a really long nightmare. But as days go by, I think less and less that is so. This really is now. And this time is really happening. Strange for me to say that, but that’s how it is from my view. Just watching the days go by. Knowing that one day, I will get sick and die, will be the only worthwhile thing I have to look forward too. Sick thinking like that. But the truth is the truth.
If there is anything to be learned? The choices that you don’t make may be the best things you ever do. Save the life long heart break for some other buyer. You have better things to do in your life. At the very least, you won’t end up dead inside. That alone should tell you that our life today is simply better never to risk what short time you have here on this earth. Sure, you will be apart of the earth for a long time.
I guess you can look forward to be the things that make Flowers grow.
You are all alone. If you have been falsely accused of RAPE, DV, PLEASE let all men know about the people who did this. http://register-her.net/web/guest/home
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