We live in an era where sanity is controversial.
The “social justice warrior” (SJW) is a raving beauty. That knitted brow which will never unknot. Those beady, judgmental eyes. The boycut. The thin, sexless lips pressed into a perpetual Puritan’s scold. The overall impression one gets is of that fat judge with the testicle chin in Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”. If only these degenerates could see themselves the way others see them…. you’d doubt anything would change. Cult religions and their followers are immune to the emotions and sympathies that sway normal people.
The Original Social Justice Warrior might just be the leader in this diverse non-hierarchical group. She’s a short stoutly built multi-racial mutant womyn whose hirsutism might just be caused by more than her numerous ovarian cysts. Her main powers are her deafening and maddening shriek and her ability to mobilize countless foul-mouthed and ill-mannered feminist zombies to march, sit down, stand around or otherwise be unpleasant and just get in the way wherever she finds injustice or anybody having fun. She, like all the other Social Justice Warriors, is equipped with a state-of-the-art Malthusian Belt loaded with expensive precision patent contraceptive cartridges, which she strangely seldom needs to deploy.
Attention Whore dazzles and distracts her rivals with her silly prancing and voguing, who is supported by her team of cretin minions, the Beta Orbiters, that she is able to summon with a single selfie.
Proud Ultra Slut rides in on her liberated carousel horse, whose pole has broken off for maximum show and pleasure. She is armed with a cooch empowered with awful deadly infections. If any rivals get too close, they collapse suffering acute madness and debilitating itchy pus-filled boils.
Hamster-Girl The Hamster-baiter, defends Modern Women’s Right to Choose, up until five trimesters after conception. She gets her special Hamster powers by devouring her own young soon after birth. Her special strengths include a powerful self-delusional rationalization that she uses to keep her fellow warrior colleagues motivated to persist even in the most hopeless of situations.
The Purple Saguaro is what the feisty little stout Latina can morph into in order to bring shaking and quaking destruction (and sometimes also pleasure) to all around her. Gotta have a little spicy diversity in the team!
PoMoSexual the ultimate LGBTQWA (etc.) warrior of mysterious indeterminate gender and sexuality. PoMo’s strength derives from an ambisexual fluidity that transcends the base mortal biological binary. To refer to PoMo with any gendered pronouns risks provoking a fatal wrath. Defying any categorization with mere words, PoMo carefully guards all secrets regarding origin or destiny post-gender transition in a special vault locked away in the Nth Transdimension. Some speculate that PoMo is some kind of ambiguous monster, while others claim PoMo is just a mere queer merger of succubus and incubus. No matter, the few who have ever survived a closer examination “under the hood” or “between the legs” have gone completely mad or feeble-minded and are not able to betray PoMo’s secrets. Normal square healthy Breeders, Family Men and innocent virgin children are PoMo’s natural enemies. PoMo feeds on their vitality when copulating with and sometimes then also devouring them. Sometimes PoMo just likes to toy with them and seduce them to the dark side of disgusting perversion and then to send them forth to infect and corrupt countless others.
Miss Anne D. Rhee aka Lawyer Cunt, is an attorney who specializes in “women’s issues”. She represents almost exclusively women, whether helping to liberate them from the trap of marriage, helping to get them what they’re entitled in their careers and in the workplace, or otherwise fighting the patriarchy and the hostile environment of rape culture that oppresses women everywhere. When Lawyer Cunt isn’t in the courtroom, she often transforms into the Spinster Crone, when she mounts her broomstick to fly and join her fellow Social Justice Warriors in battle. Unfortunately she hasn’t quite mastered flight yet and always seems to end up crashing into walls. Nevertheless with the darkness and bitterness that swirl around her and together with her countless feral cats she is invaluable to the team.
Some believe that Lawyer Cunt is also behind the Cougar who mysteriously appears once monthly coincidentally at the same time Miss Anne D. Rhee is ovulating. They speculate that the base biological instinct is too much for Lawyer Cunt to resist, and Miss Anne D. Rhee is cursed to the Cougar’s monthly transformation for whatever is left of her waning fertility. Cougar doesn’t look too bad for a hardened successful middle-aged career woman. Nevertheless she struggles to find victims worthy of her high standards.
Cockblocker is mostly big talk but little action. He works to intercept any potential rivals to make it so none of the other Social Justice Warriors have to face an opponent alone. Even though the rest of the more powerful girls enjoy his cheerleading attentions and flattery and it does indeed subtly feed their power, they don’t actually like or respect him. They mostly put up with this token straightwhitemale out of commitment to diversity.
The Professor who bears an uncanny resemblance to a certain Hugo Schwyzer, mostly works behind the scenes to coordinate and manage all these diverse and vibrant big feminine egos. It’s like herding cats, you know. His associates frequently need to feed his unnatural appetites by sacrificing innocent virgins, who are seduced, errr indoctrinated, usually into mindless zombie feminist minions but sometimes also into powerful new mutant full members of the Social Justice Warriors.
Keyboard Jockey is an unseen force that noone has every actually met. Some speculate Keyboard Jockey is not even human but rather an artificial intelligence that escaped from the Professor’s lab into the wider online world at large. Others say it’s just an ill-humored and ill-mannered overgrown adolescent who has been able to qualify for Social Security Supplemental Disability Income for various real and imagined mental conditions and who has somehow hidden himself in his mother’s basement. Either way Keyboard Jockey is incredibly prolific and ubiquitous and can be found at the same time under countless aliases in many different online fora, where he is often successful at shutting down real discussion with feigned offense and trigger warnings. Keyboard Jockey also mobilizes real world armies of Anonymous fellow wankers ready for brigading hacking and doxing. One doesn’t summon Keyboard Jockey with anything primitive like projecting something like a Batsignal in the sky. Any simple complaint in any online forum or blog that includes terms that trigger the algorithms will bring Keyboard Jockey to the rescue. This listening algorithm may even be more effective than the NSA’s Echelon program. It might even be connected.
and finally…. Tumblrina who is armed with cards that declare “I’m a feminist because…” for comic relief and otherwise to explain and narrate the Social Justice (in)action.
Look for the Social Justice Warriors in their premier issue,
“Occupy Wall Street? Occupy My Campus?… Occupy My Ass!”
…and later on in a very special series, “Trouble in Human Resources”.
Stay tuned also for the exciting Adventures of the Junior Anti-Sex League as they “Take Back the Night” in their premier issue, “Slut-walk”.